Thoughts of an Agnostic Theist (if you had to put a label to it)

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/technology/2012/08/bill-nye-the-science-guy-hits-evolution-deniers/



Well, first off, it's nice to know this guy is still alive and kicking. I guess that explosion incident was just an insensitive rumor...

Anyway, as a kid I had trouble trying to reconcile my understanding of the Universe, because in one ear I was being told not to question God and His doings from those who held a somewhat literal interpretation of the Bible, and through the other, I was listening to science shows that supported Darwin's Theory of Evolution and a physicalist view of the Universe - the two seemed mutually exclusive for quite some time to me, so naturally that resulted in a lot of cognitive dissonance. After a while I settled for the middle road (Philosophy) and realized I'm actually no closer to understanding the Universe than I was when the big questions hit around age 11 or so.

Right now, at this point in my life, I identify as Agnostic. But I do still try to live as if I were religious - probably because some part of me still is...

lazy day daydreaming

and so here i sit, head lifted, arm pulled back
holding stones, scoping out bits of broken glass
or perhaps a mouse to throw them at.
they'll end up bouncing off the sheen side of a recently cleaned dumpster,
pouncing through bitter-cold air before
skidding across small holes on the concrete floors
once more
and stopping.

tick-tock
tick-tock...

a clock occupying the space above pinched skin
just inches below my wrist
died a while ago, so when my eyes
glide down past my closed fist, they're watching
idle time

but here i lie, on this sofa, pressed against an upholster
under a couple of wanted posters
among cluttered clusters of rust, i must've mustered up just enough to keep warm in the face of an imminent storm
the icy white swarm is approaching...



approaching was a wide-eyed driver of a stolen coach,
she motioned for me to board, to
abandon my hoard in order to forge a gorge to our
pre-ordered salvation
overly excited and full of animation, i noted
"let's go home", she boasts,
"we may have to squeeze through valleys and pounce over mountains, but we should keep going until we've reached the coast, and we'll board a boat and get as close as your inner most desires might hope to inquire"
but a choir of letters embedded in red
sped through my head,
so i conjectured an interjection and begged my thoughts
to tread lightly through this unlikely trough,
in spite of my desires, a plight - disguised as a flight of fancy - was required...


there was nothing i wanted more than to dance high up on the shore and
stand there like a lord, trumped by only the sun,
glancing down onto the land where boredom was a chore,
gritting my teeth as i see that this side is rather sweet, being more like a
heated four-course meal concealed in a scored gourd
all the more reason to oblige her ordeal -

but now my body is quiet, and my mind just can't sit still...

don't even trip...

i trip and fall too goddamned often.
well i don't trip so much any more, or at least that's what i thought then...

one of the times i recall falling was on a patch of blueish-white smooth ice,
this was back during junior year of high school, before the times of getting high prior to attending class at a classy higher-learning institute where you learn how to say fuck high honors in lieu of simply getting through
that day i slipped but did so with a sort of groove
my foot decided to act by ungluing itself up from the surface as my ass touched down and made first contact
back up i propped myself in perfect sync with which i dropped
blink
it's almost like i never stopped
i only missed two steps on the beat, i think...

the only two to see my misdemeanor were my arch-nemesis and his equal
i was briefly disquieted and quickly alighted when he decided to leave it unspeakable
i owe the bastard for that, especially since there was a bus in front of us full of people
classmates, rather - that's what i mean.

but that embarrassment stemmed from how OTHERS saw me at the moment
this is a bit more personal...

i remember another time a little later on, a few autumns had gone,
mauling at my wall was the call of a goddess from across the hall
i'd had a small thing for her that barely lasted at all
i was thinking all the while of how i'd approach her and poach her with a gift of swift guile
but that shit faded to the back of my head when the sound of a loud orgasm roared from somewhere between the sheets and her bed...
dead.


i'm actually laughing right now as i type this,
but i wish i had thought back then to tell myself,
don't even fucking trip...

over

it pains me to try and remain sane when i'm the only one leftover
solely striving to stay sober,
can you do me a favor and humor me by crossing over
to this plane?
can you invade this pane in front of where i lay,
drain my veins and replace the remains with liquid icosane?
let this wax collapse - flat, detached and mundane...

and as it dries i'll watch the time as i fly by
see sea blue hues move beautifully through the sky
glancing back through this cool, smooth opaque i'll try and view the memories of my

daughter, as she was
growing up and throwing up from sharing her first a swig and
throwing up a bit more from bearing her first kid
until she heaves and breathes and squeezes,
just like her mother did.

her son, running across and around corners, clutching diamonds, trying to
come home
and eventually running 'round diamonds, clutching crosses and sliding
toward home...

and, oh, at about 6pm on june 6th, an officer will call a phone and visit a home,
saying a young guy just out of his teens came flying down the street doing about 23 over limit speed,
saying he remembers seeing something in the passenger seat and hearing the breaks screech, followed by a slow, soul-shattering scream,
something or someone?
i remember, you'll both lift me up out of this horrid dream,
croon me as i swoon from downing the contents of this bottle,

and out of here, we'll retreat...