resolutions

so i guess i haven't been taking pretty good care of myself lately -- and by lately, i think i mean over the past few years. i don't usually go to sleep when i should, and i don't eat when i should either, so i guess it's easy to see why i tend to oversleep and overeat fairly often. irregular sleep patterns and eating habits can easily contribute to anxiety and depression.

i typically don't have much optimism when people talk about new year resolutions because, for me, if you say you're going to change just because it's a new year when you could have been striving to do so at any point, then it seems like you're only making those resolutions because everyone around you is, and that means it's only a pseudo-aspiration. however, i think i need a few resolutions in general, and the fact that it's a new year is just a coincidence.

that being said, i will put myself on a schedule with all things involving work and sleep, and i will be more conscious of my body's needs -- both physiologically and mentally. and i'm writing this not necessarily for you to see and confirm, but for myself and because i need to. i know this is a blog and not a journal or diary or whatever, but so far it's functioned pretty well as a journal so i guess i might as well continue treating it like one.

dream hypothesis

remember that time you started walking to your best friend's house in the pouring rain with your other best friend, laughing about how she sneaked out, since she was grounded for having gotten caught cheating on her physics quiz? then, as a car pulled up on your left, you recognized your cousin; he told you he was getting married to his fiance of three years, to which you excitedly jumped around a bit while your sister stood next to you grinning. you were so glad to hear this wonderful news that it didn't matter how the sun was hurting your eyes, and you completely forgot about trying the new burger at that restaurant you were just now headed to...

her

i wish i could tell her that i was in love with her before she told me she loved me...

...how much i cherished the time we spent laying in bed all day during that rainstorm...

...how much fun i had that day we went on an escape and fooled around at the lake...

i wish she could understand why i was slowly losing myself in her and how hard it was to let her go...

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i wish i could thank her for overlooking my misbehavior and asking me to help her teach the class, since she could tell i was bored from having finished the work early...

...and thank her for pushing me when i didn't know how to push myself...

...understood why she contacted my parents when she saw how disorganized i was and how i had been slacking...

and oh, i wish i hadn't helped contribute to her frustration and watch her storm out of the classroom from a bout of overwhelming helplessness...

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i wish i could have been there to stop her ex from raping her...

...and her ex from raping her, too...

and her friend from raping her as well...

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i wish i had told her how much i appreciate her all those times she cooked for me, cleaned up after me and tucked me in at night...

...i'd done a few more chores just to give her a break...

...got up and offered to cook and clean up when i saw how tired she was from a long day at work...

i wish i could apologize for those agonizing words i spoke to her and didn't have to watch her eyes tear up in subtle despair...

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i wish i could apologize for every time i heard someone call her a "bitch"...

i wish i'd tell her to stop referring to herself as such...

i wish she hadn't walked away disconcerted after he drove up beside her in his car, stared at her like a piece of meat, and drove off when she declined his offer to hop into his car and let him drive her somewhere, yelling "bitch, well fuck you then!"

memories 1 (ignorant bliss)

first:
- maybe about 3 years old, outside with my mom, riding my tricycle behind the apartment complex my parents and I lived in. (ignorant happiness, joy)


toddler:
- being at the hospital for my sister's birth and my brother's birth a year after. (interest, curiosity)
- walking through a massive building where my mom used to work, the lounge and hallways lit by dim lighting and ample sunlight piercing through the dark, tinted glass; elegant elevator servicing about 60 floors, transcendental. (intense wonder, visual)
- walking to some daycare in a plaza downtown; an icy bluish-grey sky and its bright precipitate, the first snowfall I can remember, the air was cold and crisp. (intense wonder, olfactory and tactile)