enticed by your glance (revised)

borne by chance

luminous

silent

calm, gentle

unbroken

just for a few seconds,

just long enough to make me feel...

lights nigh, reflected

in your eyes

locked

onto mine

i smile

perplexed, you ask

why the amusement?

no, rather,

i find muse

sent, in

the little things

in

those actions without mindful intent

which convey so much

through something

so minuscule

it brings me joy

you

are exactly what i need

just to get...

by the way, that's not something

i've been readily able

to admit

i know i fail to show it often

and, when i do,

it's obscure,

but it's true

and something tells me

you don't yet understand it

but in due time, you will

for now, just know that it's...

stolen

two said it was by an ex-boyfriend. one said it was after both her and her assailant had a little too much to drink.

women put trust in us men. they put themselves in places of vulnerability because they fucking trust us. and guys do shit like this?! what's the basis behind the need for that sort of power and conquest? i can't understand why even the thought of doing such a thing would occur to someone.

he forced himself onto her. she told him to stop and she tried to break free, but she just wasn't strong enough. my god, they were DATING. i felt so sick to my stomach when i saw her words show up on my computer screen. i hadn't known her very long; however, she was already comfortable enough with me to tell me this. her best friend stood up to the culprit when he found out what her ex did. i didn't know how to respond...

a few years prior, a good friend of mine and i were walking downtown one day after we got out of school. we had a pretty long chat -- somewhat about our attraction for one another, but mostly about sex. we came to a stop in front of the gold building, where we were waiting for her bus to arrive. she bragged about having sex with a guy for 4 hours (which i think was bullshit) and i told her that i'm sure i could go for 4 hours too (which she knew was bullshit, especially since she knew i was still a virgin back then). after a few more minutes of shooting the shit, she said it: one of her ex's had taken advantage of her, and that was her first time. she had lost her virginity unwillingly. i was speechless. all i could do was hug her, and a part of me felt out of place doing so because, well, i'm a male. why didn't she hate me? i mean, it's not like i was the one who did it to her, but i couldn't understand why she didn't hate all males after that. and why did she choose to tell ME? who else had known about it? this may sound stupid, but that was the first time it was brought to my attention that this shit doesn't just happen in some twisted story at the movies.

fast forward quite a bit, and i'm laying in bed next to a friend, talking about any and everything that comes to mind. we'd spent hours that night discussing our friends, our relationships with them, our aspirations, our achievements. i don't think i have ever felt quite as at ease talking with anyone else as i had with her that night. i don't readily disclose whatever's on my mind -- save what's on the surface -- but i felt comfortable enough laying there with her, letting our conversation go wherever it wanted to go. and, eventually, it went somewhere. she told me that she and an acquaintance were both a bit too drunk when it happened. i don't think i broke eye contact with her the whole time she was telling me; i don't even think she blinked. i ran the back of my finger around her eye and down her cheek, feeling that any more contact, even just a hug, would be inappropriate. i knew she felt alone while she told me, and i'd never felt more helpless. all i could bring myself to do was spend the next half hour trying to convince her that being drunk and a bit flirty didn't mean she deserved what had happened to her. she'd actually thought it was her own fault.

it's hard knowing that there's nothing i can do to compensate for what someone else took; it's even harder trying to understand why these women confided in me particularly. but what i do know is that it's shit like this that makes me so fucking cynical and detached from the world. i send my condolences to all those who were ever raped or taken advantage of in any way. please just know that it's not your fault, that nothing can ever justify having that stolen from you which, you, as a woman, as the creator of life, should be free to share or conceal...

journey

The Neptunes are my favorite music producers. i don't know how much Chad and Pharrell each contribute, but i feel like Chad doesn't get enough credit. i do know, though, that Pharrell has this vision that can seem hard to anticipate. there's this otherworldly sound to the synths with a rythmic trance-inducing drum beat on many of their tracks; also, the name of their group is Star Trak, which is undoubtedly an allusion to what happens to be one of my favorite sci-fi series.

but anyway, every now and then i just lay down, relax, and turn on a track. i tend to picture myself -- glancing out a window of a spaceship, perhaps? -- at these formless bodies containing an insurmountable number of colors and lights. my mind provides the eye candy; The Neptunes provide my ear candy...

i think "down-to-earth" is the last term i might use to describe myself. and without intentionally playing on the pun, but there's nothing i'd love more than to just round up a few people, hop on the nearest space shuttle headed to the other side of the universe, and take off. imagine the exhilaration that comes when you realize you're starting a long journey and the mindset that the destination is just too far away for you to give a damn about arriving...

"birth happens at a single point in time, just as death does -- but the line life lies on is infinite..."

Love Is Not...

i've lost the capacity to love.

or so i think.

i have a select few people i can trust
and talk about anything with.
i have some that allow me to be ridiculous and crazy
just like they are.
i have a few that i can have a deep conversation with
who won't look at me later like i'd said something unthinkable,
and others i've only met once
but have had an incredible night with that i can never forget.
i've known some whom i've fallen out of contact with
and there are some that i've been smitten for;
a few who've taken an interest in me
and others who were simply careless.
i've known pessimists, optimists,
realists, dreamers,
idealists, thinkers...
i know some who will never learn
and some who are quick to change sides when the shit hits the fan.

and yes, if anything ever happened to any of these people,
there's no doubt that i'd be devestated.

but haven't you ever noticed
that we hesitate to euthanize those who want to go?
we can see it in their eyes that they suffer...
but what is it that stops us from pulling the plug?
is THAT love
or is it the selfish desire to keep them in our lives?

i wonder,
is it really possible
to feel compersion?
to truly be happy for another human being
when they are happy?

it seems like most of us are self-indulged --
selfless acts done simply to gain another's praise,
and to feel good about ourselves when we do.
or, for some, to buy our way into heaven.
personally, it pains me to do something completely selfless,
and that's brutal honesty.
it feels like a part of me dies
every time i do;
but i keep doing it... why?
beats the hell out of me...

what is love?
is it feeling depressed when someone close to you dies,
instead of being happy that they no longer have to suffer
through this thing we call life?
is it feeling like you can't maintain
when your significant other seemingly abandons you
instead of understanding that they didn't want to stick around
and end up hurting you?
is it a feeling of duty when you give birth to a child
knowing that you've given life to a helpless being,
knowing that you must do all you can to protect it?
is it an immense appreciation for another's company
or an obsession with the way they make you feel
whether or not they are around?
somebody please tell me,
what the fuck this thing we call love really is...

or better yet,
somebody please show me...