Love Is Not...

i've lost the capacity to love.

or so i think.

i have a select few people i can trust
and talk about anything with.
i have some that allow me to be ridiculous and crazy
just like they are.
i have a few that i can have a deep conversation with
who won't look at me later like i'd said something unthinkable,
and others i've only met once
but have had an incredible night with that i can never forget.
i've known some whom i've fallen out of contact with
and there are some that i've been smitten for;
a few who've taken an interest in me
and others who were simply careless.
i've known pessimists, optimists,
realists, dreamers,
idealists, thinkers...
i know some who will never learn
and some who are quick to change sides when the shit hits the fan.

and yes, if anything ever happened to any of these people,
there's no doubt that i'd be devestated.

but haven't you ever noticed
that we hesitate to euthanize those who want to go?
we can see it in their eyes that they suffer...
but what is it that stops us from pulling the plug?
is THAT love
or is it the selfish desire to keep them in our lives?

i wonder,
is it really possible
to feel compersion?
to truly be happy for another human being
when they are happy?

it seems like most of us are self-indulged --
selfless acts done simply to gain another's praise,
and to feel good about ourselves when we do.
or, for some, to buy our way into heaven.
personally, it pains me to do something completely selfless,
and that's brutal honesty.
it feels like a part of me dies
every time i do;
but i keep doing it... why?
beats the hell out of me...

what is love?
is it feeling depressed when someone close to you dies,
instead of being happy that they no longer have to suffer
through this thing we call life?
is it feeling like you can't maintain
when your significant other seemingly abandons you
instead of understanding that they didn't want to stick around
and end up hurting you?
is it a feeling of duty when you give birth to a child
knowing that you've given life to a helpless being,
knowing that you must do all you can to protect it?
is it an immense appreciation for another's company
or an obsession with the way they make you feel
whether or not they are around?
somebody please tell me,
what the fuck this thing we call love really is...

or better yet,
somebody please show me...