a love note

i couldn't sleep last night...

or maybe i didn't want to.

i thought of you. i thought of the time you called me when i was on a trip. the way your voice sounded novel but familiar and warm. the things we shared. our desires, traversed.

i thought about that time you visited me in the hospital. when you had a look of concern on your face but what seemed like longing in your eyes. i wondered if you wished we could have some time alone. i recalled the notebook and pen you gave me.

i thought about your smile and the way your eyes seem to sparkle, like something out of a manga drawing. about the way you push your hair back when you preen, and how you call me "love", not knowing it does something primal to me.

i thought of our dance, the way you felt against my chest as i held your hips. the way we moved in unison to the effervescent music. i imagined you leaned your head back on me while you bit your lip, closed your eyes and concentrated on our close proximity to each other.

i thought about your disapproving look when i told you what i was doing. you telling me to be careful. i don't remember much else from that night, but i recalled your presence and how excited i was that i got to see you.

i remembered you hugging me when you arrived at the party, a huge smile plastered on your face and an unshakable grin that proceeded for the rest of our time there. the way your hair fell over your eyes when you shook your head while you danced in that dark blue dress.

i remembered the picture we took, the first time i noticed that glimmer at the epicenter of your iris. i drank too much and was a bit wild, but you being next to me in our embrace left me ecstatic.

i remembered when you complimented me on my poetry, on the note i wrote, describing my love for the rain against the glass and the sensory perceptions i felt thinking of someone being so close to me, biting my ear, kissing my neck. what you didn't know was that i imagined it was you...

_______

i walked outside just now, listening to the slowed down version of a remix of an interpolation of a remake of a song who's name i have tattooed on my arms. i had a brief smoke and let the wind blow against me, feeling the cool air dig beneath my hoodie, smelling the springtime blossoming and listening to the trees rustle, barely audible under the loud but soft music emanating from my headphones.

i felt you.

i felt you in what i saw, what i heard, what i sensed. i've never felt this before, and now i know what perfection is. it's recognizing the apex from the nadir. it's the brightness penetrating the darkness.

it's seeing the lights at night...

love,
-- your not-so-secret admirer ❤️