aloof

i know i seem distant to people who know me, and just quiet to those who don't. i guess i've always been this way. as a kid i was so eager, so curious as to how the world and everything around me works. i still am, though often it may not show. i was also a bit outspoken and kind of a know-it-all.

but somewhere between then and now, i guess i wasn't too happy with the answer that i demanded of my question-of-everything. somewhere between then and now, despair crept up on me -- and in turn, i frantically started trying to figure out how to fix this million piece puzzle that i call my mind. somewhere between then and now, i discovered that i don't accommodate for change as easily as i thought i did; and somewhere between then and now, i've spent a long time trying to figure out how to construct this fort high enough and complex enough for me to see over while remaining secure behind it. and now, i'm stuck trying to figure out how to dismantle the damned thing...

in a post i wrote a few weeks ago i said i didn't know how to love. i said i wanted someone to show me. i wasn't sure that anyone ever had, despite hearing those eternal three words from family members and from my then-girlfriend. but what i didn't realize is that i was too busy trying to build that fucking wall to notice that if i had been around the right people, i didn't even need one. i was too busy trying to keep from having anyone upset at me. i'd gotten adept at putting up filters on my personality to try and keep everyone content with me because somehow i thought that doing so would keep me happy.

i didn't need anyone to show me how to love; they were doing that all along. what i think i needed was for someone to remind me...